


This Impossible Year

by mayjeffneverstopyou



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, I found this on my computer and I wrote it like a year ago (??) so I'm posting it for the hell of it, M/M, Songfic, based on the books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 18:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10418388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayjeffneverstopyou/pseuds/mayjeffneverstopyou
Summary: There's no sunshineThere's no you and meThere's no good timesThis impossible year





	

_There's no sunshine_  
_This impossible year_  
 _Only black days and sky grey_  
 _And clouds full of fear_  
 _And storms full of sorrow_  
 _That won't disappear_  
 _Just typhoons and monsoons_  
 _This impossible year_

**January:**

Magnus stared at his designer shoe clad feet as he drifted down the street. The grey skies seemed to taunt him, as if they were with-holding the blue hues that he had come to love so much, and would never see in the same way again. He would never see _Alexander_ again.

 Wind and leaves blew as busy civilians bustled past him on their way to do... something. Magnus had trouble doing anything these days. He thought that he had come to terms with Alec’s mortality years ago, and it had seemed that was true. However, being able to stand Alec growing old was nothing like the pain he felt now that he was... gone.

Only a few weeks ago had they been laughing at the troubles they had had accepting that Alec would grow old while Magnus wouldn’t, but at least they thought they would have plenty more years before he would even have to think about Alexander _dying_.

The weather was mocking him, he was sure of it. A storm was brewing and the clouds were darkening.

He would be fine. Magnus had had plenty of mortal lovers before, but none of them were Alec. He would allow himself grieving time (not crying, he had done enough of that already) before resuming the life of a bachelor. He just had to get back into the swing of the single life.

_There's no good times_   
_This impossible year_   
_Just a beachfront of bad blood_   
_And a coast that's unclear_   
_All the guests at the party_   
_They're so insincere_   
_They just intrude and exclude_   
_This impossible year_

_**April:** _

Magnus hated parties. There was once a time where he would have been the life and soul of any room filled with more than just himself, but now the only person he wanted in his house was Alec.

It had been decades since the last party he had thrown in which Isabelle had not at least made an appearance. But she, along with the rest of the Lightwoods, couldn’t even bear the sight of seeing him without Alec there at his side. Seeing all the vampires and Fair Folk drinking and dancing in his house just brought up memories of that long ago party where the Nephelim had appeared on a mission.

_Alexander_. At first, he hadn’t noticed him, lurking at the back of the group; however, he had soon caught his attention. He was so young and unsure of himself and Magnus had loved him all the more for it. He was astounded when Alec turned up on his doorstep merely to thank him for saving his life. Back then, at the beginning of their relationship, everything had been so cautious and unclear. Now Magnus was feeling the same way; lost and uncertain. Everyone else paled in comparison to Alexander.

  
_There's no you and me_  
 _This impossible year_  
 _Only heartache and heartbreak_  
 _And gin made of tears_  
 _The bitter pill is swallowed_  
 _The scars souvenir_  
 _That tattoo, your last bruise_  
 _This impossible year_

**July:**

Since Alec had gone, Magnus had been drinking more. He just wanted to forget and remember at the same time. Forget how special and wanted Alec had made him feel, and remember the exact shade of red Alec’s cheeks had turned whenever Magnus made a scandalous remark.

But the alcohol didn’t help. As long as Magnus could still feel he would feel an ache inside him, he would still feel the loss of Alec from his life but not his heart (no matter how much he wished his heart would forget sometimes).

He couldn’t bear to be with any of Raziel’s chosen anymore, the tattoo-like marks reminded him too much of Alec with his arms, chest and any other free skin blazing with the fresh black and faded white scars of runes. He could no longer provide service for Shadowhunter clients as they would just look at him with pity on their eyes.

  
_There's never air to breathe_  
 _There's never in-betweens_  
 _These nightmares always hang on past the dream_  


**October:**

Magnus gasped for breath as he awoke from another fitful sleep. _Alec._ He was gone. There was never a moment, awake or asleep, where he didn’t miss his blue-eyed nephelim, but like the nightmares that haunted him said: he was never coming back.

Some of the dreams were good. Old memories, or even just daydreams, however all of them involved Alec. On the rare occasion that Magnus woke up with a trace of a smile on his face it vanished immediately when he realised how cold the bed was and how grey the world felt.

Magnus was alone in his new apartment (he couldn’t bear to stay in his-and-Alec’s old Brooklyn loft, for it could never be just his after Alec) when, for the first time since the news of Alec’s death, he finally allowed himself to cry. The tears poured down his cheeks as he cried for all that was inevitable. He cried for loss, for love but all of it was for _Alec._

 

  
_There's no sunshine_   
_There's no you and me_   
_There's no good times_   
_This impossible year_

**January:**

It had been almost a year and yet Magnus still felt the pain of missing Alexander like it was yesterday, as he would for the rest of his long, long life.

 


End file.
